


I’ll Need You Here (by my side)

by porcelaindollxx



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Hospital, Anxiety Attacks, Dark, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Rehabilitation, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-21
Updated: 2019-05-07
Packaged: 2019-06-13 17:41:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,470
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15369864
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/porcelaindollxx/pseuds/porcelaindollxx
Summary: Jeonghan has mental disorders, and one of them is not being able to leave Joshua’s side.





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone!  
> This is the first time creating something like this and I want to be as accurate as I possibly can. Other than myself being a to-be third year student nurse (but have yet to go in my psych rotation), and my cousin in her bachelors for psychology, some internet references, and my own experiences with mental illness, I haven't taken my psych classes until my fall 2018 semester starts, so please feel free to correct my inaccuracies. Also, if you have any questions about some of the terminology I use and didn't explain (because as I am surrounded by nurses I forget that not everyone knows what I'm taking about) I'll be happy to explain it to you!  
> Other than that, enjoy the story!
> 
> -Porcelain

As long as Jeonghan can remember he’s been attached to Joshua. 

Ever since Jeonghan stepped foot into the rehabilitation centre, he’s been attached to Joshua.

Joshua got in about a month before he did and approached Jeonghan who was his new roommate. Joshua was there because he attempted suicide. Jeonghan was there because he starved himself to death. They’ve been inseparable since they became roommates that night. If Joshua left the room, so did he. If Joshua went to sleep, so did he. If Joshua went to get food, so did he. Joshua never minded, so Jeonghan never stopped.

One could say that Jeonghan went from one mental disorder to another and they wouldn’t be lying. Jeonghan still has anorexia. He knows he does but it isn’t as bad as it was when he walked through those doors fresh from the hospital about a year ago. He would describe it as this, ‘if you feel like everyone else has given up on you, and nobody feels like they could help you anymore, then you cling to the first person that does. They are your lifeline, so you don’t let them go’ and he did. He’s met other people he considered friends, but he can’t replace Joshua with any of them; he wouldn’t.

The staff here thought it wasn’t healthy and separated them for a night. Jeonghan almost lost his mind; he’s never felt what it was like to have a panic attack until that night. So, can he say that he moved from one mental disorder to another? Probably, and the psychiatrists are worried. They should be. The day that one of them leaves the hospital is the one day all hell would break loose. 

———  
**Separation Anxiety Disorder:** consists of persistent and excessive anxiety beyond that expected for the child's developmental level related to separation or impending separation from an attachment figure. (emedicine.medscape.com)

 

When Jeonghan wakes up, he jolts up and is covered in sweat. He immediately grabs onto Joshua’s hand, squeezing it tight enough to wake up the other boy. 

“Jeonghan, what’s wrong? Is everything ok?” Joshua asks softly, still in a bit of a daze. He sits up next to Jeonghan rubbing his eye with his free hand.

“That same… nightmare. Where I wake up, you’re _gone_ , and I couldn’t find you.” His breath is laboured. He runs his free hand through his hair, and then lowers his head.

Joshua places a kiss on his temple and wraps his arms around him. “I’m right here.”

Jeonghan’s sniffles and Joshua hugs him closer into himself. This is not the first time it happened, nor is it the fifth. He’s been having the same nightmare about two or three times a week and it really takes a toll on him.

“Wanna go walk around?”

Jeonghan nods his head and they get out of bed. As long as the nurses are aware of where they are, they would let them walk around the unit. They wouldn’t let them leave, but just enough to be able to walk out of their room. Of course, this is a privilege; not everyone gets it. If you’re doing better, and if you’ve been good, you get the trust to walk around. However, in the nursing station there are camera surveillance, so one isn’t completely unsupervised.

This is a rehabilitation centre, not a mental hospital; the goal is to help you get better. To be “normal” enough to be let out. Jeonghan laughs at that statement; who in this world can be an example of the closest definition to normal?

Everyone here has had an escape with death, which is why they’re here. There are different programs, but there are interactions with the other patients. It takes a while to get out of here, not everyone is cooperative, not everyone has that mental ability to be happy enough not to attempt suicide again.

Joshua is here for that, still here because he can’t pass all the stages in his rehabilitation program. He isn’t strong enough in himself to go all the way, he still has those impulses. When it’s engraved in you that you aren’t wanted, it’s hard to get yourself out of that.

Jeonghan and Joshua hold hands as they slowly took a walk through the corridor, and come back to their room.

“Feel better?” Joshua asks as he turns Jeonghan to face him and rubs his shoulders.

Jeonghan lets out a small sigh, “yeah. Thanks Shua.” Joshua gives him a small smile before engulfing him into a hug. He lets out a small chuckle into Joshua’s shoulder before wrapping his arms around him. 

____

When breakfast time comes, Jeonghan and Joshua get ready and go down to the cafeteria. It’s a social thing, they encourage most all patients to interact with others.

Jeonghan did say he had other friends besides Joshua.

They have a small group of friends that have been here almost or longer than they have. 

Jihoon was one of them. He came in a bit before Joshua. He has a manic-depressive disorder. He almost killed himself when we was in his manic state. Jihoon is also a self-admit. He gets these severe fluctuations in his mood swings which are controlled with medications but they always keep adjusting his dose and meds due to tolerance or ineffectiveness. He considers himself a danger to himself when he’s in his manic state, which started to appear more often than not before he came in. After multiple endangerments to those around him and himself, he felt he was better kept in a supervised environment where they could help him get better.

Jihoon is super closed off most of the time, he doesn’t open up to many people even if you’ve known him for a while. There is one person he considers himself completely open to, and that’s Jun.

Jun is sweetly adorable and absolutely terrifying at the same time. Jeonghan has only met the terrifying Jun once, a day he purposely kept away from his meds. Ever since then he’s been cautious of him. He would never say anything though, Jihoon would literally kill him. He thought he and Joshua were a special type of special, Jihoon and Jun are also that special type of special. Sort of.

Joshua and Jeonghan saw Jihoon and Jun sitting down at the table they normally do and went to go join them.

“Hey guys, what’s happening?”

“Waiting for food,” Jun answers, “Jihoon didn’t want to get out of bed this morning.” They aren’t roommates. 

They normally get their trays delivered too them with their name on it and the morning meds they will need to take. 

“Are you going into depression?” Jeonghan asks.

Jihoon only glares at him. “Better than being in my manic state,” he deadpans. 

Jun put his hand on Jihoon’s forearm. “Meds are coming soon.”

“My meds need to _work_ ,” Jihoon whines.

Jeonghan leans his head on Joshua’s shoulder as they wait. Some of the patients need to have DOT therapy where they are watched taking their medications because they are known for not taking them. They go into a separate room and are given their meds before food in the presence of a nurse. Jun had to do that for a month after the stunt he pulled. Jeonghan never had to, he doesn’t really have medications to take, and besides from supplements, none are related to his anorexia. He’s just glad he’s off his NG tube and can eat like how someone should be eating. He doesn’t eat much, but it’s a start.

“Wen Junhui,” the voice on the intercom calls out, “Wen Junhui to Interactions.” The voice repeats the command once more. “Who’s here to see you?” Joshua asks. _Interactions_ is what they call the room where visitors come. Jeonghan only goes when Joshua is called. Nobody from the outside world cares enough to see him here. However, the only person who visits Joshua is his roommate Vernon, he comes at least once every two weeks. 

“I don’t know,” he frowns, as he gets up. Jeonghan observes Jihoon who stares at Jun until he’s out of sight. 

“Is Vernon coming today?” Jeonghan asks Joshua to divert the conversation. Just by looking at Jihoon, he could tell he’s worried.

Joshua scratches the back of his neck. “He’s disappointed in me. Because I have to restart the stages again.” Joshua can’t get past the 4th stage in his recovery, and instead of staying in the fourth stage, he declines himself so much he restarts. “I kind of hope he doesn’t come today.”

Vernon is the only special person to Joshua outside of this hospital. Joshua got thrown out of his house because he was gay, and he stayed with his best friend Vernon who had a more open family. He put himself in such a depressed state that even when he tried to distract himself it wouldn’t work. Joshua and Vernon went to university together and rented a place for them both. Joshua wanted to be a nurse, Vernon wanted to be a music composer. 

Jeonghan is somewhat envious of what they have together, even if it’s not romantic in the slightest. Vernon is Joshua’s emergency contact and gets the details that he can because Joshua gave him that consent. 

From what Joshua has told him, they really busted their balls to keep the apartment they had and the grades they did. Joshua’s depression got worse when he failed a class and other than Vernon he really didn’t have a support system. Vernon was the one who came home to Joshua’s unconscious body and rushed him to the hospital.

Jeonghan didn’t have a support system at all. His family didn’t acknowledge his deterioration and he was bullied too much at school to have anyone he considers a friend.

His psychiatrist blames his attachment to Joshua on the fact that he doesn’t know how to handle affection. He doesn’t think that he’s wrong though.

Jihoon, Joshua, and Jeonghan get their trays and Jun’s has the cover on his food to keep it warm while he’s in Interactions. Jeonghan’s portion is visibly smaller than the rest of them, they up the amount little by little every week or so, but not by a visible amount. They change up the meal with something more substantial than the last dish.

By the time they are done at least half of their meal, Jun comes back to sit with them. “Who was it?” Jihoon asks almost immediately after he sits down.

“You don’t know them,” is all that Jun responds with before taking the lid off of his food.

Jeonghan saw Joshua’s head go up slowly, looking towards Jihoon. Even Jeonghan is surprised, Jun and Jihoon are super open towards each other, it’s rare they keep secrets from the other.

Jihoon presses his lips in a line before diverting his gaze from Jun and nodding his head slowly. Jeonghan can feel the atmosphere change into an awkward one. He retreats into himself and takes his supplements trying to divert his attention else where. 

“I’m full,” Jihoon says as he puts his utensils on his plate, gets up and leaves. They all watch him leave. When Jeonghan turns to Jun, he’s quick to divert his gaze. This is something that’s never happened before.


	2. Chapter Two

“Jeonghan, how do you currently describe your relationship with Joshua?” the psychiatrist asks him as he crosses his legs. Jeonghan can feel Joshua turn towards him, but he doesn’t return the gaze. They are currently sitting on a grey three-seater couch, while the psychiatrist is sitting on his maroon one-seater.

“I’ve already explained this to you the last time,” Jeonghan whines. If there is one thing that Jeonghan can’t tolerate it’s reiterating himself. Everyone in this whole building knows that Jeonghan and Joshua are attached at the hip. It’s not news and it has not changed.

“So same or stronger attachment to him?”

Jeonghan really doesn’t appreciate that he only talks to him as if Joshua wasn’t right beside him. He’s the doctor though, so Jeonghan guesses he knows best.

“Stronger. I had another nightmare, and it was terrifying… being without him. It really scares me.”

The psychiatrist puts his hand to cup his own chin. He doesn’t say anything for a while, and they just sit in this awkward silence. The psychiatrist squints his eyes for a moment before he links his hands together and puts it on his lap. “Jeonghan, we’re gonna try a little exercise and I want you to voice your feelings every step of the way through. Is that ok with you?”

Jeonghan looks at Joshua, he doesn’t feel comfortable with whatever the psych is considering, but he nods his head slowly anyways.

“Joshua, I will need you in this exercise—”

Jeonghan quickly grabs Joshua’s hand in protest. “What are you going to do?” he demands. He already feels his breaths coming more forcefully and frequently. This is not going to end well.

“To better understand your anxiety whenever Joshua leaves your side, I need to know how far you boys can be apart before your anxiety gets too high. Jeonghan, I need you to know something,” the psychiatrist walks over to Jeonghan’s side of the couch and kneels next to him like he’s some kid, and Jeonghan hates it. “This separation anxiety should not be happening to a 23 year old. You should not be having these strong attachments to this day. I understand your situation, Jeonghan I do. But this is not healthy.”

Jeonghan can only think how this is really way too much for him right now and he looks down at the floor while holding in his tears. The psychiatrist gets up and tells Joshua to slowly take a few steps away from them before getting out of the room and closing the door. Jeonghan feels his body tense up. All he could think is how long it’s been since they’ve been in separate rooms.

The first time it happened was when the staff first thought it was concerning that Jeonghan wouldn’t go anywhere without Joshua, and wouldn’t let Joshua go anywhere without him. It started interfering with their treatment schedules, so the night staff decided to separate them.

Jeonghan remembers it so clearly. Joshua didn’t say anything, didn’t pull a fit in protest. He only obeyed orders. Jeonghan felt hurt, but he knew that Joshua would have never done it differently, even now. If Joshua thinks that Jeonghan really has a problem, he’s never voiced his thoughts about it to the other. He’s never complained once. Of course Jeonghan knows that this isn’t _normal_ , but he knows that their relationship is just fine as they are. None of them are complaining.

Needless to say, the first time they had separated them, Jeonghan had to be put in isolation for suicidal precautions. Jeonghan’s anxiety went up so much that he couldn’t bare with it. He doesn’t want to relive that experience, he didn’t come out of it the same.

Jeonghan can feel the anxiety building up knowing that Joshua will be leaving soon, and his heart isn’t dealing with it properly. He nods his head slowly at his psychiatrist as Joshua stands up; Jeonghan is still holding onto his hand though.

Jeonghan looks up to face him. “As much as I like having you around, I want you to get better quickly so you could get the hell out of here,” Joshua says to him softly.

Joshua should know better, Jeonghan isn’t leaving here without him.

“Ok Joshua, start walking away slowly.”

Jeonghan watches Joshua go away, and it doesn’t bother him too much, because he’s in the same room. He could still see him, he knows he’s still there.

When Joshua reaches for the door handle, Jeonghan visibly tenses and his psychiatrist asks him about it, asking Joshua to hold on before continuing.

“He’s gonna leave,” Jeonghan says, not taking his eyes off Joshua. He wears a worried expression on his face and he feels like crying.

“Jeonghan, I’m just going to be outside.”

“No no, wait wait wait wait,” he repeats getting up, speed walking towards Joshua before grabbing a hold of his hand. “You don’t have to go, please. I’m not ready for him to go, please stop this,” Jeonghan says that latter part to his psychiatrist, his grip is strong on Joshua. He’s pleading. His heart is pounding so hard in his chest, he feels like it’s going to fall out of his mouth. “I.. I c-cant.”

—————————

Joshua and Jeonghan sit quietly in their shared room. Jeonghan is holding onto Joshua, he’s stopped crying long ago. They are both on Joshua’s side of the bed which was closer to the wall.

They had pushed their beds together when it became clear that Jeonghan wasn’t gonna sleep across the room from him.

“I’m sorry Shua,” Jeonghan says, his voice barely louder than a whisper.

Why is he sorry? Because he doesn’t leave Joshua alone. Joshua would never even tell him if it was irritating him that Jeonghan was always around him. He’s also sorry that he isn’t getting better. While his anorexia is more or less under control, leaving Joshua isn’t. And he knows that if he gets better he will leave, and he can’t leave if Joshua has to stay.

Joshua’s depression isn’t going anywhere, sure he does show progress but he can’t let go of what his family did to him. That feeling of abandonment will always be there, it’s not easy to let go of. Jeonghan on the other hand doesn’t give two shits about his family. He knew that they didn’t care about him, he just accepted it. His anorexia wasn’t because he wanted to get their attention, it’s just that their lack of attention caused him to almost kill himself.

Joshua leans his head on Jeonghan and plays with his hair on the back of his head. “Don’t be sorry, it’s ok.”

“You are literally everything to me, but I can’t even help you get out of depression.” Joshua shushes him.

“Don’t say nonsense things,” he starts, his hand still petting Jeonghan’s hair, “My depression has nothing to do with you. And I’ll let you know that my brighter days are because of you. So please don’t say nonsense things.”

—————————

Later in the afternoon, Jihoon comes into their room.

“Rough therapy session?” Jihoon asks them. Joshua nods his head, Jeonghan is still pressed up on Joshua’s side leaning his head against Joshua’s shoulder. His eyes are closed.

“How’s everything with Jun?” Joshua asks him. Their therapy session is still too fresh to talk about to others right now. Jeonghan will probably mention it to him later if he asks again, but right now his energy is quite drained from him. Besides, he knows Jihoon will ask about it later anyway.

Jeonghan does open his eyes at Joshua’s question though, he’s also curious about this.

“It’s so... unlike him?” Jihoon says choosing his words. “He’s never hidden anything from me before. We’re always open to each other, I don’t understand why whatever’s going on,” he pauses and makes circle motions with his hands, “I can’t be involved with.”

“Are you worried?” Jeonghan asks, he still doesn’t lift his head from Joshua’s shoulder.

“Jun doesn’t seem worried...” Joshua says but Jihoon is quick to answer back.

“Jun never worries. He never shows he’s having a hard time. It’s why I rely on him telling me that something’s up.” Jeonghan looks at Jihoon. He knows that Jihoon had said its hard to read Jun most times, and he wishes that he could just look at him and know what he’s thinking.

Jeonghan also knows how much Jun means to Jihoon and he feels sorry for Jihoon right now. He knows that if Joshua was keeping something from him he would be devastated.

“I just... I feel like he doesn’t trust me, and I don’t think I’ve given him any reason to believe that.”

Jeonghan looks at the ground. He doesn’t know what to say, but he feels that it’s not his place to say anything; so he closes his eyes once again and just hopes it’ll all be better soon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We definitely get deeper into Jeonghan's anxiety this chapter, I think I wanna focus next chapter on Junhoon because there is a lot going on there as well! Thank you for all the love I got for the first chapter! I hope you enjoyed the second as well :)!


	3. Chapter Three

When Jeonghan and Joshua walked into the cafeteria, there was already a commotion, which isn’t uncommon given the nature of their situation. What they didn’t expect, was that it would be between their two friends.

“I don’t need them!” Jun screamed as his threw his pills at Jihoon.

“That’s exactly what you said the last time, and you know full well that you do,” Jihoon countered, “and don’t _fucking throw your pills at me_!”

Joshua ran towards them first. “Hey hey hey, what the hell guys,” he says, eyes wide open and he’s holding Jun from the back. At this time, holding down Jun is probably the better option.

This isn’t the first time they fought. Not that it’s common, because it isn’t, it’s actually rare, but it has happened before.

“I don’t hear them anymore, I’m fine! I could go home soon! I’m _fine_!”

Jihoon looks like all the fight is knocked out of him. “Jun, who the hell came to visit you?”

Jun gives a glare at Jihoon for about 10 seconds before he stomps away.

“I don’t think so,” Jihoon says as he stalks after him.

Jeonghan and Joshua watch their two friends leave. “I think we should follow them, they shouldn’t be alone right now,” Jeonghan tells Joshua before they both walk after the two.

They end up in Jun’s room where Jun is sitting on his bed and Jihoon is sitting close next to him and has both arms wrapped around him. Jun has his head down.“I’m better, I want to go home, I don’t need my meds,” Jun says slowly, his hands grasp at Jihoon’s forearm that’s around his front.

“Shh,” is all Jihoon says before giving him a kiss on his head, “It’s not curable Jun, you’re gonna need them for the rest of your life. You know this already, why are you making it difficult,” Jihoon says in a low tone, and to Jeonghan he almost sounds annoyed. Jun does have insight on his diagnosis, Jeonghan is confused as to why he’s not complying.

Joshua and Jeonghan sit in front of them on the floor. “You know it’s dangerous if you don’t take your medications. You know that. That’s why you're in here, and we’re not going to lose you because you’re being stupid,” Jeonghan says to Jun. Jun is still staring at the ground however. “You very well know what happened the last time.”

“It’s not that the person who came told me to stop taking my meds by the way,” Jun started, still looking at the ground, “I want you guys to know that. It was my best friend in the whole wide world, his name is Wonwoo. I just miss him so much, and I haven’t seen him in two years because I told him not to come... but now he did and I’m torn.”

Jeonghan put his hand on Jun’s knee, “you never told us about a Wonwoo before.” Jun isn’t looking at him though, so Jeonghan’s looking at Jihoon, who even though he still has his arms around Jun, his expression is vacant. He’s sure Jihoon was never told about Wonwoo either. 

“If I think of him too much I won’t be able to handle it,” Jun starts, but that’s when they nurse walks in.

“Hello Junhui,” she says, “I was informed by security that you threw your meds this morning.” Jun looked down. Jeonghan knew that going back to DOT therapy is the last thing he wanted to do, if he’s going to act out again then it may be best for him.

She crouches down next to him and holds out a tiny plastic cup with what Jeonghan assumed to be his meds. Jun takes a lot of them. “I want to see you take these Junhui,” she says, holding out the tiny cup and giving him the cup of water she’s prepared for him. Jun looked at his cup of medications for a few seconds before he took them. “One at a time,” she warns. Jihoon recoils his arms so that Jun could take his meds. She thanks him when he takes his last pill, and she leaves the room.

“Jun, you know that you’re in here because you suck at medication compliance right? You need to comply with your meds in order for them to let you out. Right now, you just took ten steps back. They won’t let you out,” Joshua states. This is a fact. The more Jun needs help taking his meds, the longer he’ll stay here. 

“You know this Jun. You know _all_ of this,” Jihoon says putting his hand on Jun’s shoulder.

“I don’t _hear_ them anymore,” Jun says, frowning.

“ _Because_ you’re on your meds,” Jihoon says, finally looking at Jun again. “Don’t be dumb.”

Jun leans himself on Jihoon, defeated. Jeonghan takes his hand and holds it. “We’re not going to lose you to them.”

———  
**Schizophrenia:** An extreme response to psychological or physical stressors that affects a person’s affective, psychomotor, and physical behaviour.  
**Positive symptoms:** Explained as signs/symptoms that are present, which normally a person does not exhibit. (i.e. hallucinations)  
**Hallucinations:** False sensory perceptions in the absence of any real external stimuli.

 

When Jeonghan and Joshua leave Jun’s room, they head over once again to the cafeteria as they haven’t eaten anything before the whole ordeal happened.

“Jun can’t get his hallucinations back if they’re gone. They’re so dangerous.”

From what Jun told them, he mostly has auditory hallucinations, sometimes visual hallucinations, but it’s rare. His auditory hallucinations almost killed him. That’s why he’s in rehab. He had command hallucinations that told him to kill himself. Told him how. Told him he was worthless. Told him he didn’t have to live, because his life isn’t worth anything. 

The last time he was off his meds, they told him to cut himself open. Jun’s auditory hallucinations are really loud. He looked spaced out the whole day. He kept covering his ears. Jihoon and Jeonghan were walking to his room when Joshua was talking to his nurse, and we heard yelling and smashing. He was holding a plastic knife and it looked like it was taking everything out of him not to attack himself with it. 

“ _Make them STOP!_ ” he yelled so loudly the nurses and PABs ran to his room and had to inject him with a sedative. They didn’t know where he got the knife. His friend’s didn’t even know where he got the knife. He was put into isolation on restraints. He later admitted that he didn’t take his meds. They’re considering putting him on a once-a-month injections. 

“I didn’t know it was that bad,” Jihoon had told Jeonghan afterwards. “He had told me about them, but I didn’t think…” Jihoon paused, “I should have been there with him. Taken away his knife. _Made sure_ he took his meds. What the fuck is wrong with me.” He put his head in his hands. Jihoon was always more protective of Jun after that.

Jeonghan understood Jihoon. He had Joshua. Joshua who hasn’t gotten out of his depression. Joshua who Jeonghan feels like could leave him just like that. Every time he thinks about Joshua committing suicide Jeonghan starts having a panic attack. His breath speeds up, his heart feels like it could jump out of his chest, and his hands can’t stop shaking. Joshua never lies to him, if Jeonghan asks if he’s had any suicidal ideations recently, he’ll tell him. It just hurts his heart when he says yes. 

“Is everything ok?” Joshua asks turning towards him, they’re sitting next to each other, “you look like you’re very far away.”

“I am,” Jeonghan answers curtly. He feels like crying. They’re all so sick. There is no cure to any of them, only treatments, only managements. Jeonghan feels like if he didn’t meet Joshua, he would have been the easiest case. He would have been gone already.

Jeonghan thinks about his childhood at night, his time outside of the hospital. He thinks about how he wouldn’t have wanted to go back home. To a family who never cared for him. He would be homeless. He didn’t have a support system to help him get back on his feet. 

Now he has Joshua, but Joshua has his own full set of problems. 

His thoughts are interrupted when he feels Joshua’s lips on his. He didn’t even notice. He wants to reciprocate it, but he’s so anxious. He leaves his eyes closed when Joshua pulls away. “Hey,” Joshua says putting his arms on Jeonghan’s biceps, “it’s ok. He’s going to be ok.”

Joshua still thinks he’s thinking about Jun.

“None of us are ever going to be ok.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a while agiphefghd. School is kicking me in the butt, I should be studying, or sleeping, but I'm here updating. I'm almost done my psych rotation, and lET ME TELL YOU, until I met my patients it's hard to expect anything. So, on that note, with this story I'm trying to be true to their diagnosis through the experiences I've had. Wish me luck! If you have any comments or questions please let me know :)! Thank you so much for reading, I hope you enjoyed~!


	4. Chapter Four

Joshua is in far deep in his depression.

He doesn't have the energy to do anything. Jeonghan hates these days the most because as much as he wants to leave Joshua alone, he feels like there's a string attaching them together, and if he goes too far, the string pulls too much, and it starts hurting.

The staff, god bless them, tried their hardest to encourage him to go to the activities, but he was getting more and more agitated each time they tried. They tried to encourage Jeonghan to leave the room also, but that's useless since Joshua isn't going anywhere.

The psychiatrist came to visit but Jeonghan told him to leave him alone. So Jeonghan just sat down next to Joshua who was lying down sleeping. Jeonghan will tell everyone to fuck off if they come bother Joshua again.

Jun and Jihoon come though, and he isn't about to deny their company, so he welcomes them instead. "How's he doing?" Jihoon asks in a quiet voice as Joshua was asleep.

Jeonghan just shrugs, there isn't much to tell. "He slept all day," he chooses to answer instead, Jeonghan cards his hand through Joshua's hair once before he puts them both on his lap. Jihoon knows how depression works though, he doesn't have to explain more than that.

"How are you guys?" Jeonghan asks, shifting the conversation.

"We're fine" Jihoon answers for the both of them. They did make up after the argument they had a few weeks back, that he knows. They had a long talk just the two of them.

Jun put his arm around Jihoon in a tired way and leans on him. Jihoon turns to look at him but turned away briefly after. That's when the doctors come in and Jun quickly unlatches himself off of Jihoon.

"Hello," he greets himself, "My name is Dr. Kim, I'm the new resident taking care of Mr. Hong's case," he explains. Residents doing their psych rotation on the floor, nothing new, they go through a new resident every 3 weeks or so. "Is Mr. Hong free to talk or...?" He asks, eyeing the sleeping person next to Jeonghan.

"He's actually in a mood, he won't talk to you right now," Jeonghan answers for Joshua.

"You must be Mr. Yoon, the nurses told me about you. I'll come back later then," Dr Kim says with a smile before he leaves.

"I don't like him," Jun says almost immediately. He states it more as a fact than anything else, because there isn't much emotion put into that statement.

Jeonghan turns to Joshua and threads his hand through his hair again, "me either."

\--

When Joshua does get better, it's five days later. Joshua's depression does take a toll on Jeonghan, but he'll never complain about it. Dr. Kim came in every shift to see if Joshua was ready to talk but Joshua had no energy left, to take a shower took so much energy from him, he barely ate at all, and if he wasn't physically exhausted, he was mentally exhausted because to think about getting up was too much. He gets that way when it's really bad. Jeonghan doesn't understand why the antidepressants aren't working, or the therapy.

They both enter a conference room the day after Joshua's feeling able to do physical activities without exhausting himself. Dr. Kim is there too, with the attending psychiatrist. They sit down at an oval table, Jeonghan doesn't care if he shouldn't be there because he'll stay anyways, with every new resident it's the same story, they ask him to leave, he says no, they insists, he refuses, they go out to ask for assistance, the nurses explain it to them, and it goes as it was going to, with Jeonghan at his side. It has not changed since Jeonghan's mental illness took a fierce hold and wouldn't let go.

Jeonghan grabs a hold on Joshua's hand and squeezes it tightly before letting it go loose in his hand; he doesn't let it go, though. 

"The doctor and I were thinking," Dr. Kim starts, "since we've been trying a lot of therapy and medications and you still went into a depression that big, we started thinking of," he pauses, "alternative ways that may help."

Joshua and Jeonghan both looked at each other. "What alternative ways?" Joshua asks, side-eyeing both of them.

"Actually, we were thinking of ECT, electroconvulsive therapy, it's shock therapy… basically. In layman's terms, it changes the chemicals in your brain since depression this bad is usually caused my a chemical imbalance in the brain."

Jeonghan is only looking at Joshua now and Joshua is looking intently at the doctors in front of him.

"The results are very good actually," the doctor explains, "you'd be doing 3 treatments a week for about 10 weeks, and then we'll see if further treatments are necessary."

"There is a catch though," the resident says, and Jeonghan sees him in his peripheral vision looking straight at him. Jeonghan decides then to slowly turn his head back to meet his eyes with the Dr. Kim. Joshua looks quickly at Jeonghan, back to the doctors in front of him, and frowns. "He can't be there with me?"

"No," Jeonghan adamantly states. He starts shaking his head quickly, "No, no." Jeonghan feels his heart rate quickening, "You can't."

"Jeonghan," Dr. Kim starts, "You're not my patient, so I'm not involved in your case but Joshua is, and this will only benefit him."

"No, I can't… you can't expect me to agree with this; I can't be without him," Jeonghan says in a low voice.

"You're going to have to try Jeonghan, it's for the best," the attending psychiatrist states.

"I can't!" Jeonghan says and he feels his eyes well up.

"You can't, and you don't want to are two different things. You're only making it worse on him," the attending physician states pointing to Joshua.

"Can I…" Joshua pauses, "think about this? Please?" His grip on Jeonghan’s hand is tight.

"Of course you can, and we'll explain the whole process to you of how it works. You can't have company, however; it's as if you're in the OR, there is no non-medical observers."

Jeonghan watches as the resident and his attending get up and leave them in the room. 

There is a lot that is about to happen. Jeonghan isn’t the dumbest person ever, he knows that Joshua should get this therapy if that’s what will help him, no doubt about it. But the reality is that he can’t leave Joshua, the thought about doing that leaves his stomach in painful knots, and it’s so selfish to not let him go. 

“Joshua,” Jeonghan starts but doesn’t get to finish. Joshua turns to look at him before kissing him. He’s holding Jeonghan by the nape of his neck, steadying him. It’s so soft, it feels to Jeonghan like a comfort kiss, and that’s all he really needs right now.

“I have a lot to say, but I have a lot to think about first,” he says quietly after he breaks the kiss, their foreheads touching. “We’re gonna go through this together.”

Jeonghan only nods.

\--

“Are you kidding, that’s a great treatment option! I’ve read all about it!” Jihoon says. “They aren’t giving up with the medications yet, so I’m not a candidate.”

It’s been about three hours since they left the conference room and now they’re with their friends sitting in the lounge area. It’s pretty big, it’s open to everyone. There’s a TV, a bookshelf, and a piano, and a lot of single seater recliners. They are currently sitting in a four seater around a round coffee table. Joshua let them know about the ECT treatment he got offered.

“And the medications work for me, so I’m also not a candidate,” Jun shares, shrugging.

“That’s great and all but my sanity is at risk if he accepts this,” Jeonghan says, stressed. He runs a hand through his hair, “I’m not going to be able to see you for hours and, Shua I know this is great, but I-” Jeonghan only shakes his head, he can’t finish that sentence. 

“You’re being selfish Jeonghan,” Jihoon says and Jeonghan chuckles darkly curling his lip into a thin line, he’s holding back but Jihoon continues, “this will really help him-”

“I fucking know! I already fucking know!” Jeonghan yells back. He stands up, grabs Joshua’s hand and walks away from them.

“Jeonghan,” Joshua says lightly, but he’s only following him, he’s not stopping him and Jeonghan brings them to their shared room. 

“It’s true,” Jeonghan says as he turns around to face him, “I’m so fucking selfish, I can’t even do this for you. And you’re the only goddamn person I care about. Shit.” He starts tearing up. “No wonder my parents hated me.”

“Hey hey hey,” Joshua says, holding onto his biceps. He rubs circles with his thumbs in comfort. Jeonghan uses his thumb to wipe away the tears. “Stop all this. There is no expiration date on this option Jeonghan, it doesn’t have to be tomorrow. We’ll work on it, we will.”

Joshua does want this. Jeonghan figured so but now the words finally left his mouth. Leaving Joshua is the single most terrifying thought, it constricts his heart so hard it causes physical pain. He knows that there is no expiration date, but he doesn’t want Joshua to think about all these dark thoughts that trap him. 

Jeonghan leans his head on Joshua’s shoulder in an embrace and Joshua hugs him tightly. He loses anyways right? Either he tries to and succeeds in letting Joshua go to ECT, which then makes him fine and he gets discharged. Or, he can’t and Joshua doesn’t get the treatment he needs to get out of here. Nothing turns out good for him, and once again he realizes that he’s so fucking selfish.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been such a long time, I'm so sorry! But I'm officially a graduate nurse and kufygakgfhsf whAT THE HELL ahahhaha. So I wanna get back on track with my stories now that I'm done. Starting with this one!  
> Also, I've went to see an ECT before in my psych rotation and it was the coolest but most weird/terrifying thing, so there's that. I, personally, would never.


End file.
